Tuesday, February 11, 2014

What would she be like?

So last week I had a couple of "Bailey days".  At our house, Bailey days are what we call the days when we are really missing our sweet Sister/Daughter.  We all have them and we all know that they are normal and "ok" to have.  This "Bailey day", however, was different than most.  Normally they are days of sadness, a few tears, and just feeling down.  This time, however, I wasn't sad.  I didn't shed tears for hours.  I didn't feel sorry for myself.  What I felt this time was different.  Of course I miss my sweet little girl.  I think of her every single day and I miss her like crazy.  But the thoughts that I had during these last few "Bailey days" were more thoughts of questions.  Wondering what she would look like now.  Would she like to dance?  Would she rather play ball with her Brothers?  How much trouble could her and Caleb cause together?  Would she be a "girly girl" who loved the purple that we continue to use to "represent" her in our house?  These aren't new questions.  I wonder these type of things all of the time and I hate that I will never have the answers - at least not on this earth.  But this time was different.  This time, wondering these things didn't make me cry and feel that life is unfair because I will never experience a dance recital, a hug from my sweet little girl, curling her hair and putting cute little bows in it, seeing her and her Daddy head off to a Daddy/Daughter Dance, etc.  No, this time I just thought of what could have been and how lucky I am to have such a sweet little angel watching over me at all times because she was too perfect to stay here with us on Earth.  I am honored that I was chosen to be her Mommy.  I know that there are blessings in store from me somewhere, sometime, for enduring the loss of my beautiful angel.
Yes, I still miss her every day.  Yes, I would much rather have her here.  But every once in awhile I DO make it through a "Bailey day" with happy thoughts and not just tears.
Love you, Bai!